I have not posted anything — nope, not a damn thing — in 3 months. Here are all the WHYs, in no particular order:
- Doubt
- Depression
- Thanksgiving tradition of a visit from my Big Bad Wolf, annual flare of autoimmune disease activity that dwarfs the others, leading me to deny my distress and need for help during those lesser flares, but also …
- Prednisone is a hell of a drug!
- Fatigue
- Brain fog
- Broken tooth
- The shiva of “Auntie” I
- Pandemic everything
- Perfectionism
- Publishing is the problem. There, I said it. Not writing. Not editing. Finishing. Committing to transferring to this platform — in some cases to typing or {gulp} dictating first — and then I have to end it. Stop myself from writing about the next connection and the next my mind makes. Or discovers. Is it important to distinguish between the two? Is one better than the other? Ha! Define “better.”
- Doubt
- Fuhteegue!
- Say it. I mean, write it. Do it. Own it!
- Pain
- Foggy brain
- PTSD
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Ole Friend variant
- Another broken tooth
- I almost got through 2020 without going to the ER.* But that’s where I spent 6 hours of Christmas morning. Viral gastroenteritis, turns out. Great news that I didn’t have a certain respiratory virus, but {sigh} I could have been treated better. Trying to follow up with troubling test results, but …
- New medical insurance
- It’s not “prior authorization” — it’s authorization! You either do it with or without authorization. I have enough trouble with time as it is!
- Ok, I have to dedicate more of my loving-kindness meditation to the insurance industry. Obviously.
- Doubt
- Insurrection Coup Riot totally predictable yet also incredible thing
- T died suddenly
- MuthaFuhteegue!
- I can’t post anything else, until I publish part 3 of Collaborating with My Wolf. And I can’t post that until I finish it. Which I very nearly have. Except that’s only true of the longer version. I could publish the shorter one right now. Except I haven’t been able to do that for over 5 weeks. The other version keeps pulling me toward disclosing my abuse history, or at least part of it, and I don’t know if it’s ok to disclose part and not all at once and that last thought reads as super odd as it feels, but I’ve kept all these secrets for so long, because I’m a good girl, and I don’t know how to spill them without confirming that I am the terrible person that I have secretly thought myself to be most of my life.
- It might be ok to publish a post or two while working on part 3. I just can’t make the official launch until I finish and publish part 3.
- I now have 4 other posts in Drafts.
- Deleted the poetry posts. Formatting disaster. Category 4. Will try again. Promise.
- Anxiety. Is that fear + doubt? Feubt? Looks German or French; however, I don’t believe it is either. I could be wrong.
- The consistency of split pea soup, it comes on little cat feet and causes my brain to lose track of all the usual routes in its atlas. Wow. Metaphor-maggedon!
- Pandemic burnout
- Lupus burnout
- I just don’t feel good burnout
- Despite my best motivational speeches, neither the dishes nor the laundry will “do” themselves!
- And now … taxes!
*Yes, really, it is the Emergency Department — not Room. I do know that. The issue is that nowadays “ED” is most often used for “erectile dysfunction” and most everyone in the US still understands “ER” basically means the same thing as Emergency Department. So, yeah, I am part of the problem.
My Good Wolf 