Debra Landau is a former dancer, aerialist, and movement therapist, now living in retirement with lupus and other unseen illnesses, plus 2 dogs, 5 turtles, many fish, and just one husband – at last official count.
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
Have you tried … yoga?
No. Sorry. I am not a judge.
{rimshot}
Have you tried … yoga?
I mean, back in college practically everybody was doing it.
{rimshot}
Have you tried … yoga?
Yoga? Really!? I didn’t know it was edible.
{rimshot}
So, is it sweet or savory? Hmm. Guess it’d have to be sweet, seeing as how so many (modern) Big Time Yogis turn out to be such unsavory characters!
{rimshot}
Seriously, it seems every Big Time Yogi is eventually exposed as corrupt, guilty of multiple counts of fraud, tax evasion, money laundering, sex crimes. Like the Bikram guy. And the Kundalini guy. Aided and abetted by Akal Security and Yogi Tea. Corporations aren’t just people, they’re enablers, too.
{rimjob}
Have you tried … yoga?
As what? Exercise? Spiritual practice? Anti-depressant? Miraculous immune system restorer? Panacea? Whatever will shut me up about my ills already?
{rim around the Rosie}
Have you tried … yoga?
In the words of the late, great Frank “Yoda” Oz, “There is no try, only do!”
{Rosie the Riveting}
Have you tried … yoga?
I’ve practiced a few different styles of yoga, starting when I was a child, learning poses from Lilias on PBS. I can no longer practice the type of yoga I most enjoyed. Most poses are beyond my current abilities. Recently, Downward Facing Dog joined the list.
{riveting run round}
Have you tried … yoga?
Instead of wanting, even expecting basic sympathy and a little understanding from someone like you?
Hey, have you tried … just not giving unsolicited advice? Or shutting the fuck up? Listening? Realizing we’re equal; that you are not my superior now that I am disabled, just as I was not your superior when my earnings, education, and/or abilities/circumstances outshone yours! (In the time before my immune system “turned heel,” that is.)
What about acceptance? Have you tried accepting reality? Not all disease and injury can be prevented. Or fixed. Not all lost ground can be recovered. Healing is a natural response to being hurt or sick. We are ever-changing, our cells rolling over constantly. A persistent state of perfect “wellness” is unnatural and unattainable.
{shot rimmed out}*
For the record, I move as best I can, as often as I can. Below are my two awesome personal trainers, Roo and Draymond.
Have I missed something? (It’s quite possible.) Why in all this discussion of President Biden’s ability, or lack thereof, to win the November election and continue as President for another 4 years beyond that, is no one using the word health? Mainstream media got close last week when asking about frequent visits to the White House by a Parkinson’s expert over the last several months, but otherwise avoided any direct reference to the man’s apparent declining health or the probability that he has a progressive medical condition. Has health become a dirty word, except when preceded by perfect or clean bill of?
Considering how vociferously various White House and Biden peeps have denied that he is being treated for anything more serious than sleep apnea, I guess so.
But why!?
For several months I’ve been wanting to write about Joe Biden’s declining health as evident in his movement. As managing my decidedly imperfect health often eats into my energy reserves, I’ve put off this project, hoping maybe one of my movement analyst colleagues might chime in first. But, as of the now infamous debate almost 3 weeks ago, the very badly kept secret is out. Since then, I have watched and read several opinion pieces questioning Biden’s fitness (as well as his campaign’s openness and media coverage), plus ones by folks who have supported Biden in the past, now strongly urging him to drop out of the race.
Each and every one of them attributes Joe Biden’s difficulties to age. And age alone.
VIDEO 1: 4/11/2022. For 15 seconds, 3:30-3:45, can see President Biden strolling away from Marine One with his familiar gait.
In an opinion piece in the New York Times, George Clooney wrote, “But the one battle [President Biden] cannot win is the fight against time. None of us can.” Wtf, is Biden terminal!? Or do you mean aging is an involuntary fight against time we’re all destined to lose badly!? Dude!
Later, Mr. Clooney wrote,
“Is it fair to point these things out? It has to be. This is about age. Nothing more. But also nothing that can be reversed.” {emphasis mine}
No, George! Bad celebrity! Sit. Listen.
For 20 years I maintained a private practice as a movement therapist, working with patients with movement disorders*1* and other movement challenges. As my fledgling aerial dance company, AirDance New Mexico*2*, began to grow and I started feeling what denial convinced me was small biz burnout, and nothing more, I decided to close my practice and go all in with the nonprofit AirDance. Not 5 years later, the increasingly disabling effects of my recently identified autoimmune and chronic illnesses pressed me to the realization I needed to leave the company. Passing the proverbial torch to those able to meet the demands of the role was best for all.
Yes, it was all very painful, thanks for asking.
February 16, 2023 article in TIME, President Biden received a clean bill of health after his recent physical. “Biden has ‘significant spinal arthritis’ and the impact of a broken foot and neuropathy in his feet that changed how he walks, Dr. O’Connor noted. ‘The President’s gait remains stiff, but has not worsened since last year.’”
Well … no. Just, no.
So, I’ve been on both sides of the equation, so to speak. I’ve been in a situation similar to President Biden’s, albeit far less public and consequential to our democracy. Some supported my early retirement; others … not so much. All agreed my difficulties — what would later be diagnosed as mild cognitive impairments among them — were due to serious health issues. Not age.
I retired due to disability at the age of 54. Nearly 7 years later, I continue to be unable to work. Acceptance is an ever-evolving companion.
VIDEO 2: 6/1/2023. 14 months later/one year ago: Biden shows modest postural and gait changes.
Despite my two decades of professional experience observing people with movement disorders and seeing how diseases such as Parkinson’s change a person’s movement profile — not only as the disease progresses, but also in relation to declining cognitive abilities (when present) — I found my long retirement had eroded much of my confidence. But what I’ve seen in Joe Biden’s movement over the course of his presidency is not healthy aging.
I am not a diagnostician. Even if I were, I could/would not diagnose a neurological disease and/or cognitive deficit/decline from television footage alone. While I do not know the cause — Mr. Biden may not have a diagnosis as yet — and, as always, I could be wrong, my analysis of Biden’s movement profile indicates rising, significant cognitive impairment caused by physical illness.*3* Without getting too technical, for those of us trained to see them, the effects of his medical issue(s) are evident in several aspects of his walk, including the loss of fluidity and rhythm he had 2 years ago; in his held posture; in the disconnectedness of his arms from his torso; his claw-like hands; his disengaged focus and slack facial expression.
President Biden is not well.
I’m truly sorry for Mr. Biden and his family. Having to face a disabling illness so publicly has to make a very difficult situation so much more so. However, embracing denial and/or blaming age instead of discussing health does not serve anyone.
Does it?
VIDEO 3: 2/14/2024. ≈5 months ago: Watch opening 33 seconds with SOUND OFF! Ignore title & rest! (Sorry, best I could find.): OK, now my movement therapist sensibilities are on high alert!
Maybe my neurodivergence is showing, but I just don’t understand why everyone who is anyone insists on addressing Biden’s problems as a matter of (advanced) age, refusing to even use the word health, much less discuss medical issues. I find it very disappointing, being that this could be an excellent opportunity for accurate health information, instead of perpetuating ageist myths. Myths I thought long dispelled. 40 years ago, few had heard of my grandfather’s diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s. 20 years later, it seemed most had. They’d also learned dementia was not caused by aging. We stopped using the word senility. What happened over the last 20 years?
I guess those awareness campaigns accomplished FCK all!🤬
This is an excellent time for the media to highlight the differences between healthy aging and symptoms indicating a disease process is at work. It’s a great time to highlight age as a risk factor and not a cause. To point out that many diseases are associated with “old age” due to advancing age being a leading risk factor for those illnesses.*4* Of course, the media would then have to do a much better job than they’ve collectively done over my lifetime explaining what risk factor does and does not mean for medical conditions.
VIDEO 4: 6/23/2024. First 10 seconds: Whoops, there it is!
Is the problem our society’s overall inability to factually discuss all aspects of health in any appreciable depth, particularly progressive and disabling conditions? How long will we remain content with the (mistaken) notion that all we need to talk about is “prevention”? No, I’m not knocking a healthy diet, regular exercise, avoiding/quitting smoking, and other actions individuals can employ to lower their risk for cancers and other diseases. But lowering risk is not the same as prevention as most people comprehend the word — as a guarantee against disease.
Yeah, no. There are no guarantees regarding health. Your risk is never zero. You are not in control.
(Okay, almost never. Exceptions have to do with not having targeted tissues. For example, if you have no testicular tissue, your risk of testicular cancer is effectively zero. Feel better now?)
Alright, don’t panic! While that may seem quite scary, there is a fabulous upside! Your risk may not be zero, but for the vast majority of Americans pretty much all the really scary stuff and lots of the not-so-scary maladies, it’s not a whole lot higher than that. In other words, your chances of living a long and fairly healthy life, free of progressive and/or terminal disease, dementia too, is very much in your favor. Given you avoid accidents and gun violence. Up to 85. (After 85, the odds kinda even out.)
Riddle me this: If Biden were showing all the same disconcerting signs, but were 20 years younger, would you still be concerned? Or does that relative youth magically allay your fears?
For his sake I hope President Biden will withdraw from the race and attend to his health. For all our sakes, I will be voting for the Democratic nominee for President in November. Because there is no alternative, in my opinion.
I could be wrong.
But everything I’m observing says otherwise.
The great Draymond Pugbelly sees all!
*1* In medical terms, movement disorders are neurological conditions which cause problematic movement, both involuntary and voluntary. Movement Disorders | MedlinePlus
*2* The now award-winning AirDance New Mexico lives on! Please think about donating money to them. Then do it!
*3* In 2020, my neurologist saw the early (earlier) signs of dementia in Joe Biden. I didn’t see it then. I didn’t want to. 4 years later … I tip my hat to the (very) good doctor yet again!
“Your memory often changes as you grow older. But memory loss that disrupts daily life is not a typical part of aging.” Alzheimer’s & Dementia | Alzheimer’s Association “Dementia is not a specific disease. It’s an overall term that describes a group of symptoms. Alzheimer’s disease is a degenerative brain disease and the most common cause of dementia.”
*4* Age is the greatest risk factor for Alzheimer’s and most other causes of dementias. That risk rises steeply after 85. According to the US Alzheimer’s Association, “5% of people age 65 to 74, 13.2% of people age 75 to 84, and 33.4% of people age 85 or older have Alzheimer’s dementia. However, it is important to note that Alzheimer’s dementia is not a normal part of aging, and older age alone is not sufficient to cause Alzheimer’s dementia.”
You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence?
WordPress prompt 4 March 2024
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gon— No, wait! It’s coming back already! Annular solar eclipse 2023
All starters … Just top of the noggin, letting go perfectionism and making the writing exercise public. Aaaaaaaahhh!!!
I’m no good at making a long story short; my parents are entirely to blame.
Long story, short: I was raised Jewish by two German ex-Catholic atheists and an African-American non-practicing Southern Methodist.
Long story, short: I was raised Jewish by divorce decree.
Long story short will do you no good in my case.
My life is like a telenovela — but in English, German, and Yiddish.
I knew I was going to Hell from a young age, because my neighbor, the one the grownups called my boyfriend from before we started differing Sunday schools, often told me so.
According to my aunt, I was lucky to be here and now, because back there and then I was thought an abomination.
To say my father did not rape my mother simply because they were lawfully wed at the time (times) encapsulates the clash of the ownership arrangement still very much at the heart of marriage and the rom-com fantasy that fuels our denial that any woman need fear her one true love.
Nature versus nurture is a lifelong question/quandary for the offspring of the psychopath.
Daughter daring dance death dogs dirt Deutsch DeLove dynamic dastardly dad dock duty devotion drama dance dunk drunk dive divided devolution dissolution direction delight duty devil dance demons disguise disorder disease distress dance dance dance dogs divine dogs
Well, it looks like I’ll make it to at least my 61st birthday!🥳
Am I the black sheep?
I may well be the undesirable one on all three sides of my family.
The most insulting thing someone on Twitter has said to me, so far, is that dance was just my side hustle.
I was raised as an only child during the school year and an older sister in the summers.
Moon rising over waters at Bosque del Apache National Wildlife Refuge, one of my favorite places!
PROLOGUE:
While trying to stay afloat the summer heat waves, Doctor Rheumy #5 (number 6, if you count JustSeeANeurologist Guy)declared this here Lupine Lady an Anomaly of the Medical variety and referred Our Strangeness to the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix, Arizona. And I began composing the following. Eventually, the Good People of You Should Not Leave That Out in This Climate of All Places decided against our rendezvous. Nonetheless, change was afoot. (And is now a-neck!) Details on Turning the Corner coming soon, including Not a Miracle Healing by most standards, and Embracing Life after once again having a sudden sit-down with Death takes over a year, a ragtag village, fairy godmother’s wheelchair, and a very special dog named Draymond.
Z: Welcome to Better You Than Us!
A: Oh, hey — hello!
Z: How may we serve you? [Z hands menu to patron A]
A: Oh, um, okay. Yeah… [A speaks while perusing menu.] It’s just that I — Wow, you have that!? Sorry! I apologize. It’s just a really impressive menu! But, I think maybe an order was called in for me?
Z: No need for apologies! Everybody gets overwhelmed when they first step in here. They get confused. Grow lightheaded. Start crying. Faint. Or, some just get really angry. I am so glad you are not one of those angry ones. Uh … or are you?
A: No, not generally angry. Generation removed from free-floating rage. I’m more of a non-squeaky wheel type, trying in my Middle Ages to identify how and when to properly squeak.
Z: Excellent! My name is Zqwjj and I’ll be your waitstaff-helper-guide-person.
A: I’m Auuiy’o, person in need of wait-guidan— or, um, help. I need help. Obviously.
Z: All right! First things first. [Z checks electronic tablet.] We do have a third-party takeout order for you. Still needing insurance review and blood sacrifice, however.
A: Excuse me?!
Z: An Out of the Order (Nary) order of WhatIsWrongWithThisLadyPerson in a thick substrate of Gotta Be (Bloody) Rare was called in for you by Dr. TrulyGivesAShit.
A: I guess that’s what you call the pricey, intense, out-of-state, out-of-network, diagnostic work over— or, uh, workup, absent any and all guarantees for success?
Z: A week’s worth of poking, prodding, visualizing, repeating tests in all the ways, except this time with an air of self-righteousness and importance like you have never known and a very dry sense of … pretty much everything.
A: Surely, I’ll be granted the honor of paying for all that out of pocket, too — with my luck. While basking in the glory of the Sixth Circle of Hell!
Z: Oh … um …?! [Z worriedly checks tablet.] Says here your referral is to the Phoenix, Arizona clinic.
A: As I said, Sixth Circle; nicest one. You don’t offer a workup like that here, do you?
Z: Oh, no, no, no! However, we do cater the often long and soul-crushing waiting periods.You could start with our popular You Call That Accessible? crudités with I’m So Confused I Could Cry! dipping sauces.
A: That sounds … interesting.
Z: Are you being patronizing? The kind of patronizing a patron is not meant to be?
A: Sorry! It’s just … I, uh … I’m just not that excited about the whole Rising from the Ashes and Haboobs intensive deal right now. Not like I was.
Z: Ah. So, hold the Mayo?!
A: Yes, please.
Z: Sweet! Never had the opportunity to say that before! Professionally, I mean. [Z checks tablet.] Hmm… I see you have a long history of trauma and depression, and a complex medical profile, multiple autoimmune diseases (one rare), neurodivergent, lack of family support — lack of family, really —
A: Meaning?
Z: The Mayo may well hold itself.
A: What?!
Z: Even though there’s considerable evidence associating trauma, particularly ACEs (adverse childhood events), with autoimmune diseases — plus the fact that (worsening) depression is understandably common among those with autoimmune diseases — Mayo gets freaked out, if you will, by ongoing depression in cases like yours.
A: Anomalous rheumatology cases?
Z: Uh huh. Sure.
A: Rheumatological and apparently related conditions that overwhelmingly affect women and are therefore historically understudied, narrowly defined, and the sufferers maligned?
Z: As you said, “paternalistic.”
A: Did I? So … in cases of confusing, inconsistent test results and findings, blame the witches, oops, women as hysterical/borderline/whatever? Definitely do not find fault with the limits of current medical understanding?
Z: You’ve been misjudged before.
A: Last month I was told I was an entire medical practice’s one and only red flag. 1 out of 675. My occasional need for one particular type of legal medication is a stain on their otherwise spotless reputation.
Z: Ouch.
A: Been their patient for 9 years.
Z: Ah. May I suggest our Stir the Pot starter? Good for breaking out of stagnation.
A: No. Thanks. Actually, I think I’m ready to order my main course of action, now that Mayo’s off the table.
Z: Never good to leave the Mayo out on the table. [Z readies tablet for A’s order.] Now, what would you like?
A: [A reads from menu] Okay, I’d like an order of General Improvement, please, with greater ease of movement, no vertigo, clarity of mind, more stamina, normal digestive functioning, and significant reduction in pain.
Z: Well, I like the confidence, but …
A: Oh! And, an Abatement of Fear. On the side. [A closes menu.]
Z: [Tablet beeps and clicks briefly in Z’s hands.] Ah, yes, there are some, shall we say, compatibility issues with your current condition and that ask. Unless you want to start tithing? [Z looks at A who shows disapproval in no uncertain terms.] That’ll be a NO. Well, I’m sorry to say you’ve confused our General Improvement offering with our Full Remission special. But, from what I see here, I think an unassuming portion of General Improvement is a very good choice for you at this time.
A: Okay. What comes with that?
Z: You get your choice of greater ease of movement, reduced vertigo, and sporadic clarity of mind — OR — increased stamina, normal digestive function with rare, epic failures for no discernible reasons, and dizziness, no vertigo. Instead of reduction in pain, both choices come with better pain management. Served on a panorama of changing seasons or layered with an ever-evolving sense of peace with a series of devastating losses.
A: I see. Well, they’re both tempting, but I’ll go with the ease of movement/clarity of mind option with better pain management, layered with sense of peace stuff. And may I still have a side of Abatement of Fear?
Z: Yes, great choice! What flavor of Fear Abatement would you like? Milquetoast? Vague? Distinct? BlackWoman? HolyShit? Psychopath?
A: Distinct, please.
Z: Very nice. Now, how about a starter? OurPieInTheSkyHighHopes are popular.
A: No, thank you. Had it. That mix of sticky, sweet promise followed by enduring, bitter emptiness does not agree with me at all!
Z: Oh. [Z consults tablet.] Oh, right! My apologies! Of course, … That starter is not recommended for persons with Lupus.
A: Yup. Makes sense.
Z: For the Chronically Lupine, especially when ordering from our limited optimism menus, Hope Slivers and Cloud Linings, we usually recommend our Relativity Disclaimer starter, served with a delightful Cliché Blocker salsa.
A: Tell me about that.
Z: Our Relativity Disclaimer enhances the idiosyncratic nature of your main course, in this case, General Improvement. It’s all about how you feel now and not next week or last year. It’s not about you compared to someone else or somebody else’s idea of you.
A: Should I take that personally?
Z: Absolutely! It’s a bespoke savory starter. The Cliché Blocker salsa ranges from a mild, passive-aggressive, guess you mean well, to a hot, offensive, burn it all the fuck down. Medium is a spicy, assertive, be real or shut up.
A: Spicy, it is!
Z: Excellent! And for dessert? May I suggest a modest serving of our house specialty, Self-Acceptance, topped off with our renowned self-esteem boost, Is This Self-Love?
A: Oooh, I’ve always wanted to try that! But, I’ve heard it’s very rich.
Z: Oh, no, not really. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how well Self-Acceptance complements General Improvement! Admittedly, Self-Acceptance can be difficult to digest, especially in combination with selections from our Stagnation and Decline menus. But for the disabled, especially the dynamically disabled like yourself, Self-Acceptance is often described as light and refreshing. Also fleeting, for many. You could probably indulge daily, if you wanted. Best part: Just save whatever you can’t finish for another time. It never goes bad.
A: Self-Acceptance never goes bad? No matter what?!
Z: Think about it.
A: What about the folks who claim it can have an enduring aftertaste?
Z: Consider the source.
A: Privileged, healthy, able-bodied people who perceive chronic illness and disability as threats to their worldview? Oh …
Z: So, that’s an unassuming order of General Improvement, with greater ease of movement, decreased vertigo, and sporadic clarity of mind, plus better pain management. For your side, a distinctAbatement of Fear. For starter, Relativity Disclaimer with spicyCliché Blocker. And for dessert, Self-Acceptance, with a self-esteem boost of Is This Self-Love? Anything else?
A: Hold the Mayo.
Z: Done. Expires 6 months after issued. If properly stored, that is. Just FYI.
A: Noted.
Z: So, proceed?
A: Yes, let’s move on. Thank you!
Z: My pleasure! And soon, yours, too!
Hey! Shouldn’t you tell me where? ‘Cause I don’t know!
My Good Wolf 