Are you worried about outside influences on your children’s quality education in the summer months? Tired of your kids coming home from summer camp laden with friendship bracelets and an autonomous sense of self, having learned no useful skills by way of adversity and trauma? What better way for White children to truly learn about all the benefits of American slavery than to experience it for themselves? In our exclusive* Slavery Summer Camp White Christian children will finally get to immerse themselves in the learning experience hitherto reserved for The Blacks.**
Upon arrival, your beautiful White Christian children will be stripped naked and all possessions destroyed before being sold on the auction block. Each child’s new owner will give it a new name and just one set of clothes for the duration of camp.
Hence, no worries about non-conformist self-expression or identities here! Plus, you won’t be receiving any homesick letters or complaints about problematic behavior, as there will be no communication at all. You can relax and live your summer as if you don’t have children. As if they were taken away from you, forever. As if they were dead. Enjoy!
The newly designated slaves will be kept to a strict schedule of beneficial skill acquisition; we’ve included a non-exhaustive list below. All disciplinary issues will be handled by our camp personnel (masters, overseers, patrols), all of whom are trained in authentic corporal punishment techniques, proven effective over the centuries.
A sampling of the Beneficial Skills of Slavery Summer Camp:
⁃ Back-breaking hard labor 12-16 hours/day (Builds stamina!)
⁃ Crop harvesting without use of machinery
⁃ Animal slaughtering with dull knives (Safety first!)
⁃ Road construction from scratch, including use of explosives to clear the way, mixing cement, and working with bubbling hot tar
⁃ Networking through shared hardship — with & without singing
⁃ Carpentry, from shanties to master bedrooms (Hammer like Jesus!)
⁃ Old-Timey Dentistry: really, just tooth pulling
⁃ Enduring dehumanizing conditions and torture (Builds resilience!)
⁃ Metalwork, such as making Jeffersonian iron nails (a matter of pride for the founding father)
⁃ Old-Timey Medicine: bone setting, wound & burn care, minor surgery
⁃ Sugar refining, salt mining, seed oil extraction, etc. — using only well-researched methods from the good old days of slavery
As you can see, crop harvesting tops the list. The immigration crisis is connected to a crop harvesting crisis, which is exacerbated by the brutal summer heat of the climate crisis. So, enrolling your children in our exclusive camp not only baptizes them in the saving graces of slavery, it also lets them serve our exploitative agricultural practices, while willfully ignoring any and all efforts toward ethical, sustainable solutions. That’s a win-win!
For your children’s education, your stress-free summer, and our country’s productivity, enroll your kids today in Slavery Summer Camp for White Christian Children!
[Currently, we operate only in those states in which enlightened politicians have relaxed child labor laws.]
*Not for Jewish kids, as they have that whole Holocaust thing to draw on. And we know you don’t want your children realizing you’ve been feeding them nothing but lies about Jews this whole time.
*Not open to disabled kids, because, like, what’s the point? Also, we are church-affiliated, so we thrive in that gaping loophole of the Americans with Disabilities Act that exempts all religious organizations from accommodating any of God’s children that God clearly decided weren’t worth the effort to make right.
**By which we mean imported Africans and their descendants, ignoring the odd Injun. We’re also disregarding modern-day slavery-adjacent shenanigans, like prisoner and migrant worker exploitation, sex trafficking, etc. (As if you could care less!)
My Good Wolf 